At the Launch of THE PROMISE HORSE at Ulverstone library, I asked all the young readers to put the name of a pony in a hat and that the name drawn out would have a short story written about that pony. The name that came out was Bella. It's a bit later than I intended, and it probably needs another proof read, but I'm conscious that you have been very patient, so here finally is the story of Bella, a little reminder that when we love our horses, we do the best by them we can, no matter the cost to ourselves.
BELLA BELLA Copyright: Author Jackie Merchant 2018
He opened the door, the smell of inside the old float was so familiar, a mix of horse, and hay and rubber flooring. It had to be 2 years of more since either horse or hay had been in there, but sealed up tight it held the smell of memories. In his head he saw then all, like a movie on fast forward, bay heads hanging over the chest bars. Memories of shows and ribbons and returning late from some bush ride gone on too long.
They had all been bay, except for Birdie the original mare, who had been a chestnut roan with four long stockings and a wide blaze between her big brown eyes. Then there had been the daughters each filly bay, only their white legs and different face markings setting them apart. Bianca, Brill, Bounce, Bunny, the B girls. Now there was just Bella, the last of her line, the last of his loves and his life’s work. He ran his hand over the chest bar in the float, his finger catching on a small tear in the padding, bringing him back to the present. There was no putting it off, not even with memories as lovely as these.
The tailgate was stiff as he lowered it, the metal springs complaining about being old and out of use, “Just like me” he thought. As light flooded the float he checked again that no swallows had somehow managed to get in and start to build their nests. Thinking on it, they were late this year.
Some used to say swallows in the stables were good luck, not that it stopped plenty of folk knocking their nests down, saying they made too much mess, but he’d always liked them. Especially the young ones in the nest, usually three at a time, poking tiny white faces out, watching him plait up the ponies in the yellow light thrown by the old globes, company on another early show morning.
So many years ago. He’d wished he’d known that the last show was the last one. He’d have taken more notice. With a sigh he felt his mind poke around at all the lasts, last time hitching the trailer, last hay net.
Hanging her a hay net for the trip his old fingers ached as the baling twine and hay net knot came together, catching a knobbly knuckle for a second. I could cry he thought, but not about his finger. Before he’d let himself give in he drew a breath, as deep as his old lungs would allow, and said in a no nonsense tone, “Enough of that now David, keep going, it’ll soon be done”.
There was no point in dragging it out and it wouldn’t have mattered how much time he’d had to prepare, his heart today was falling in. Like an old canvas tent when the poles are taken out, and stiff with age it slowly folds in on itself until it falls to the ground, looking like the shadow of what stood there.
But he couldn’t fold up, not just yet, he owed her to see them, the two of them, David and Bella through until the end. Walking around the side of the shed, he gave himself a moment to just stand and watch her. No longer young, but still so beautiful, everything he’d dreamed off and worked toward. Bella, the last of the B girls. What would have been different he wondered if she had ever managed to have a foal? He’d be breaking his own heart twice today instead he supposed.
She didn’t look her age, her bay coat still shone, hanging on to the last of summer, two white legs up to her knees on opposite sides, one front, one back. An enormous tail thick and wide like a fan, and only a dribbly blaze for her, looking like a star that had run, and her grandmothers’ eye. Beautiful Bella. If he closed his eyes he could remember what she been like to ride. Bright and quick, but steady at the same time, and when required the power of her. She’d been everywhere and done everything, and never given him a reason to doubt her. For a crazy moment his mind wondered could he do that one more time? He could just hop on her bareback, no one would know, but it was a momentary madness and he shook his head at himself.
“Times ticking old man” he said moving himself. He undid the headpiece on her old leather halter, he’d oiled it up, it seemed only right. The lead rope was nearly new, if he’d known only a few months ago he’d not have spent the money, still she deserved it and it had felt nice to buy her a little something. With a deep sigh he walked toward her, his steps were shorter than they should have been for a man his height, “when” he wondered “was the last time my back was straight?”.
She lifted her head, seeing him come, she’d stayed clean, he was pleased. He couldn’t deliver her, let her go, look at her for the very last time and not have her at her best, not have people know she’d deserved the best.
“Bella baby, Bella baby” he whispered to her as she met him at the gate, whiskery muzzle touching his calloused hand, shiny hair over pink skin between her nostrils which expanded slightly as she breathed him in, searching for a treat.
“Ready to go beautiful girl, ready to go?” he asked’
“Stop saying everything twice Dave” he chastised himself “they’ll think you’re mad as well as ancient”.
He thought he might be mad by the time today was done.
As he led her through the gate for the last time, just for a second he considered leaving it open, “Do it right Dave, finish it right” a voice said and he let her drop her head to the lawn whilst he turned to latch the gate, looking out to her paddock now empty, how it was going to look to him, until like her he too went out the drive for the last time. A small voice, the same one that had twisted and turned inside his head for weeks trying to find a way to keep them together, came back, knowing it was beaten, but trying one last time, “maybe there’s another way?”. Turning and lifting the lead rope he gave it no reply, everything that could be said had been said, every option explored, and still they ended up here.
Seeing the float Bella, started for a moment, as if she thought someone had arrived and she’d missed it, she called out a deep rumble of a whinny, and when there was no reply she seemed to deflate a little, maybe he’d been wrong to keep her here alone so long. Too late now.
As he took her to the float he felt himself marching them, afraid if he lost the rhythm he wouldn’t make it and at the realisation she was going somewhere, she jogged a little toward the tailgate in excitement.
“Not a show today Bella Bella, not that sort anyway” he said as she loaded herself into the float and he swung the tailgate shut behind her.
She sung out again, calling the ghosts of horses past, to horses long gone and in the complete silence that followed he had to steady himself on the mud guard, lest his knees give out. He searched his pocket for a hanky, ironed and neat in the pocket of his good coat, his old show coat, glad that he’d decided to dress to take her, he’d try and do her proud to the last. Even if as he suspected he was going to cry like a baby.
“Come old man” he said lifting himself, “the hardest is yet to come but then it will be done”.
And then you’ll be alone a voice said. But he knew that wouldn’t be right, there’d be people, but there wouldn’t be Bella, he wouldn’t be alone, but he’d be lonely. It felt like what he deserved.
It should have been a long drive, but it was over before he knew it, he did two laps of the block before he could summon up the breath to turn in between the two skinny pencil pines, no higher than a man’s head, that sat either side of the gateway.
His breath caught a little, he wanted to turn around, but he couldn’t unless he reversed the whole way. There were people around blocking him from going forward, there weren’t supposed to be, he planned to get here now, in the early afternoon in the middle of the week to avoid just this, so there’d be as few witnesses as possible when they led her away, in case like he suspected grief blew through him like a force and he’d make a spectacle of himself.
Aggravation made him feel panicky and his hands fidgeted and fussed at nothing, reflecting how he felt on the inside. All he could think to do with them was to reach for his hat and pull it down on his head and get out of the car as people drew closer. He felt like he was all that stood between Bella and an abyss, and yet he had bought her here.
Not knowing what to do he realised he was doing up the plaited leather buttons on his coat and moved toward the door of the float, keeping his head down, lest they read the panic on his face.
Bella knickered at him softly from inside the float and the sound steadied him, she mustn’t know his turmoil. As he turned the handle, he heard a voice behind him saying his name gently, and turning to face his greatest fear he lifted his head and came old face to kind, open face, the voices owner.
For a moment she looked like she wanted to reach out and shake his hand and then thought better of it. Probably the look of naked fear on his face.
“I’m Natalie, we met last time” she said smiling, “Do you need a hand unloading?”
“No we are pretty used to doing things, just us” he said nodding to Bella who was trying to see out the door of the float”.
“Sure” said Natalie, “in your own time”.
He breathed out, perhaps they understood how hard this was.
He let his hand run down her side as Bella backed down the ramp, she’d finished her haynet, and seemed as calm as she was when she walked onto the float.
“Would you like me to take her from here?” Natalie asked.
“No, I’ll take her all the way” he said.
“Well before you do, some of these people wanted to wait and meet you and see Bella, would you mind?” Natalie smiled as she asked and waved a couple of people over.
Bella ears forward watched them come, straining her neck high and forward, Dave sat his hand gently on her neck just in front of her wither, more to comfort himself than her he knew.
“This is Katy, one of our volunteers” said Natalie as a short woman with short, tight curly hair arrived. She smiled hello at Dave and he felt the sides of his mouth try and lift, and new he probably looked more scary than welcoming, in the end he finished with a stiff kind of nod.
“And this is Doug, he’s one of the Dads who comes to help, his son Caleb rides here”.
“Speak of the devil, here he is, Caleb this is Dave and his beautiful mare Bella that he is giving us, do you remember she was here for assessment, it must be about 2 years back”.
“Yes” said Caleb his speech a little thick. “beautiful Bella, I loved her”.
“He’s telling the truth” smiled Natalie, “We all loved her, but Caleb especially looked for her, it is so lovely she can carry the bigger riders”.
“I loved her first and longest” said David and then felt like the biggest fool for behaving like he was a child in a competition, and suddenly he couldn’t hold on anymore.
“Perhaps you could take her after all” he said trying to pass the rope to Natalie. His throat closing over.
But she wasn’t quick enough, “I’ll take her, I’ll love her now” said Caleb, holding the rope in one hand, stroking her neck with the other.
And David didn’t lift a hand, like the last show he thought it’s better not to know the last time, the last time he touched her, the last time she was his.
“She will bring a lot of joy David” said Natalie, trying to soften the moment.
“She already has” he said and he had to drop his head so he didn’t see her turn the corner and go out of sight, realising he’d wanted her to turn and give him some sign. From out of sight he heard her call out to the other horses, her own kind for company at last.
“We wouldn’t exist without horses like her, and without people like you entrusting her too us,” Nat’s face was soft.
“You can always come and see her Dave” said Doug, trying to make it easier.
“Thanks, I know that” he said. Suddenly he felt ridiculous standing there in his old, good coat.
“I’ll think about, but I better get going, unless there’s anything else, you already have the paperwork.”
He knew he was abrupt but it was all he had left.
As the old car pulled out he saw her just for a moment in his side mirror, head thrown up watching the float pull out, knowing it’s old familiar sounds.
And there you are, he thought as he felt his old tent heart fold up, one thing I do know, the last time I’ll see her. He wouldn’t be back to see her that much he knew. The doctors couldn’t tell him how long his sight would last, but he thought at least now he’d know in his minds eye he’d left her in the best hands he could.
He opened the door, the smell of inside the old float was so familiar, a mix of horse, and hay and rubber flooring. It had to be 2 years of more since either horse or hay had been in there, but sealed up tight it held the smell of memories. In his head he saw then all, like a movie on fast forward, bay heads hanging over the chest bars. Memories of shows and ribbons and returning late from some bush ride gone on too long.
They had all been bay, except for Birdie the original mare, who had been a chestnut roan with four long stockings and a wide blaze between her big brown eyes. Then there had been the daughters each filly bay, only their white legs and different face markings setting them apart. Bianca, Brill, Bounce, Bunny, the B girls. Now there was just Bella, the last of her line, the last of his loves and his life’s work. He ran his hand over the chest bar in the float, his finger catching on a small tear in the padding, bringing him back to the present. There was no putting it off, not even with memories as lovely as these.
The tailgate was stiff as he lowered it, the metal springs complaining about being old and out of use, “Just like me” he thought. As light flooded the float he checked again that no swallows had somehow managed to get in and start to build their nests. Thinking on it, they were late this year.
Some used to say swallows in the stables were good luck, not that it stopped plenty of folk knocking their nests down, saying they made too much mess, but he’d always liked them. Especially the young ones in the nest, usually three at a time, poking tiny white faces out, watching him plait up the ponies in the yellow light thrown by the old globes, company on another early show morning.
So many years ago. He’d wished he’d known that the last show was the last one. He’d have taken more notice. With a sigh he felt his mind poke around at all the lasts, last time hitching the trailer, last hay net.
Hanging her a hay net for the trip his old fingers ached as the baling twine and hay net knot came together, catching a knobbly knuckle for a second. I could cry he thought, but not about his finger. Before he’d let himself give in he drew a breath, as deep as his old lungs would allow, and said in a no nonsense tone, “Enough of that now David, keep going, it’ll soon be done”.
There was no point in dragging it out and it wouldn’t have mattered how much time he’d had to prepare, his heart today was falling in. Like an old canvas tent when the poles are taken out, and stiff with age it slowly folds in on itself until it falls to the ground, looking like the shadow of what stood there.
But he couldn’t fold up, not just yet, he owed her to see them, the two of them, David and Bella through until the end. Walking around the side of the shed, he gave himself a moment to just stand and watch her. No longer young, but still so beautiful, everything he’d dreamed off and worked toward. Bella, the last of the B girls. What would have been different he wondered if she had ever managed to have a foal? He’d be breaking his own heart twice today instead he supposed.
She didn’t look her age, her bay coat still shone, hanging on to the last of summer, two white legs up to her knees on opposite sides, one front, one back. An enormous tail thick and wide like a fan, and only a dribbly blaze for her, looking like a star that had run, and her grandmothers’ eye. Beautiful Bella. If he closed his eyes he could remember what she been like to ride. Bright and quick, but steady at the same time, and when required the power of her. She’d been everywhere and done everything, and never given him a reason to doubt her. For a crazy moment his mind wondered could he do that one more time? He could just hop on her bareback, no one would know, but it was a momentary madness and he shook his head at himself.
“Times ticking old man” he said moving himself. He undid the headpiece on her old leather halter, he’d oiled it up, it seemed only right. The lead rope was nearly new, if he’d known only a few months ago he’d not have spent the money, still she deserved it and it had felt nice to buy her a little something. With a deep sigh he walked toward her, his steps were shorter than they should have been for a man his height, “when” he wondered “was the last time my back was straight?”.
She lifted her head, seeing him come, she’d stayed clean, he was pleased. He couldn’t deliver her, let her go, look at her for the very last time and not have her at her best, not have people know she’d deserved the best.
“Bella baby, Bella baby” he whispered to her as she met him at the gate, whiskery muzzle touching his calloused hand, shiny hair over pink skin between her nostrils which expanded slightly as she breathed him in, searching for a treat.
“Ready to go beautiful girl, ready to go?” he asked’
“Stop saying everything twice Dave” he chastised himself “they’ll think you’re mad as well as ancient”.
He thought he might be mad by the time today was done.
As he led her through the gate for the last time, just for a second he considered leaving it open, “Do it right Dave, finish it right” a voice said and he let her drop her head to the lawn whilst he turned to latch the gate, looking out to her paddock now empty, how it was going to look to him, until like her he too went out the drive for the last time. A small voice, the same one that had twisted and turned inside his head for weeks trying to find a way to keep them together, came back, knowing it was beaten, but trying one last time, “maybe there’s another way?”. Turning and lifting the lead rope he gave it no reply, everything that could be said had been said, every option explored, and still they ended up here.
Seeing the float Bella, started for a moment, as if she thought someone had arrived and she’d missed it, she called out a deep rumble of a whinny, and when there was no reply she seemed to deflate a little, maybe he’d been wrong to keep her here alone so long. Too late now.
As he took her to the float he felt himself marching them, afraid if he lost the rhythm he wouldn’t make it and at the realisation she was going somewhere, she jogged a little toward the tailgate in excitement.
“Not a show today Bella Bella, not that sort anyway” he said as she loaded herself into the float and he swung the tailgate shut behind her.
She sung out again, calling the ghosts of horses past, to horses long gone and in the complete silence that followed he had to steady himself on the mud guard, lest his knees give out. He searched his pocket for a hanky, ironed and neat in the pocket of his good coat, his old show coat, glad that he’d decided to dress to take her, he’d try and do her proud to the last. Even if as he suspected he was going to cry like a baby.
“Come old man” he said lifting himself, “the hardest is yet to come but then it will be done”.
And then you’ll be alone a voice said. But he knew that wouldn’t be right, there’d be people, but there wouldn’t be Bella, he wouldn’t be alone, but he’d be lonely. It felt like what he deserved.
It should have been a long drive, but it was over before he knew it, he did two laps of the block before he could summon up the breath to turn in between the two skinny pencil pines, no higher than a man’s head, that sat either side of the gateway.
His breath caught a little, he wanted to turn around, but he couldn’t unless he reversed the whole way. There were people around blocking him from going forward, there weren’t supposed to be, he planned to get here now, in the early afternoon in the middle of the week to avoid just this, so there’d be as few witnesses as possible when they led her away, in case like he suspected grief blew through him like a force and he’d make a spectacle of himself.
Aggravation made him feel panicky and his hands fidgeted and fussed at nothing, reflecting how he felt on the inside. All he could think to do with them was to reach for his hat and pull it down on his head and get out of the car as people drew closer. He felt like he was all that stood between Bella and an abyss, and yet he had bought her here.
Not knowing what to do he realised he was doing up the plaited leather buttons on his coat and moved toward the door of the float, keeping his head down, lest they read the panic on his face.
Bella knickered at him softly from inside the float and the sound steadied him, she mustn’t know his turmoil. As he turned the handle, he heard a voice behind him saying his name gently, and turning to face his greatest fear he lifted his head and came old face to kind, open face, the voices owner.
For a moment she looked like she wanted to reach out and shake his hand and then thought better of it. Probably the look of naked fear on his face.
“I’m Natalie, we met last time” she said smiling, “Do you need a hand unloading?”
“No we are pretty used to doing things, just us” he said nodding to Bella who was trying to see out the door of the float”.
“Sure” said Natalie, “in your own time”.
He breathed out, perhaps they understood how hard this was.
He let his hand run down her side as Bella backed down the ramp, she’d finished her haynet, and seemed as calm as she was when she walked onto the float.
“Would you like me to take her from here?” Natalie asked.
“No, I’ll take her all the way” he said.
“Well before you do, some of these people wanted to wait and meet you and see Bella, would you mind?” Natalie smiled as she asked and waved a couple of people over.
Bella ears forward watched them come, straining her neck high and forward, Dave sat his hand gently on her neck just in front of her wither, more to comfort himself than her he knew.
“This is Katy, one of our volunteers” said Natalie as a short woman with short, tight curly hair arrived. She smiled hello at Dave and he felt the sides of his mouth try and lift, and new he probably looked more scary than welcoming, in the end he finished with a stiff kind of nod.
“And this is Doug, he’s one of the Dads who comes to help, his son Caleb rides here”.
“Speak of the devil, here he is, Caleb this is Dave and his beautiful mare Bella that he is giving us, do you remember she was here for assessment, it must be about 2 years back”.
“Yes” said Caleb his speech a little thick. “beautiful Bella, I loved her”.
“He’s telling the truth” smiled Natalie, “We all loved her, but Caleb especially looked for her, it is so lovely she can carry the bigger riders”.
“I loved her first and longest” said David and then felt like the biggest fool for behaving like he was a child in a competition, and suddenly he couldn’t hold on anymore.
“Perhaps you could take her after all” he said trying to pass the rope to Natalie. His throat closing over.
But she wasn’t quick enough, “I’ll take her, I’ll love her now” said Caleb, holding the rope in one hand, stroking her neck with the other.
And David didn’t lift a hand, like the last show he thought it’s better not to know the last time, the last time he touched her, the last time she was his.
“She will bring a lot of joy David” said Natalie, trying to soften the moment.
“She already has” he said and he had to drop his head so he didn’t see her turn the corner and go out of sight, realising he’d wanted her to turn and give him some sign. From out of sight he heard her call out to the other horses, her own kind for company at last.
“We wouldn’t exist without horses like her, and without people like you entrusting her too us,” Nat’s face was soft.
“You can always come and see her Dave” said Doug, trying to make it easier.
“Thanks, I know that” he said. Suddenly he felt ridiculous standing there in his old, good coat.
“I’ll think about, but I better get going, unless there’s anything else, you already have the paperwork.”
He knew he was abrupt but it was all he had left.
As the old car pulled out he saw her just for a moment in his side mirror, head thrown up watching the float pull out, knowing it’s old familiar sounds.
And there you are, he thought as he felt his old tent heart fold up, one thing I do know, the last time I’ll see her. He wouldn’t be back to see her that much he knew. The doctors couldn’t tell him how long his sight would last, but he thought at least now he’d know in his minds eye he’d left her in the best hands he could.